Am I Cold Read online

Levinsen put his hands on my shoulders.

  ‘Let yourself go, Vallin, be a part of it. You can hang out at the bar some other time.’

  My cheeks died on the spot, and then he wanted to hug. Ahh, he said as we let go, and I wasn’t too keen, but who was I to criticise a man who had so obviously managed to turn things around, and he was right, as well. One of the others had ordered a tray of Snakebites and Gold, so we found a corner where we could sit, and there, sure enough, was Janus Doubletooth surrounded by girls, a couple of token blondes, a brunette with plucked eyebrows, the inevitable Jutland biracial, and a redhead with a certain poetry about her.

  We hurled shots down our necks, and Levinsen dashed his glass to the floor.

  ‘Come on, you gorgeous people!’

  My feet still couldn’t dance to Joy Division’s ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’, and certainly not to Nitzer Ebb. My hips locked and I was planning to drift off towards the exit when the DJ switched to Balkan. ‘Disco Disco Partizani’. The room exploded into semitones and there was no way I could keep up at that level. Levinsen had everyone dancing with their hands above their heads, and they all cheered him on as he came writhing towards me, thrusting forth his gyrating pelvis. They whistled and whooped as he lifted my arms in the air. Dancing with your arms in the air is more than a physical action. It forces you to let go. It was an overwhelming psychological strain, laying myself bare like that, but once I’d got through the first song I found myself wanting more. I made eye contact with the poetic redhead and followed the twisting of her body. Her milky waist was smooth and soft, we danced to Depeche Mode and the Human League, and then it was Levinsen and not me who was standing at the bar, and when I hugged him, drenched in sweat and blissfully bleary eyed, he understood it was my way of saying thanks.

  The idea came as a natural extension of the dance.

  ‘I’m going to write a novel, a romance,’ I said.

  ‘That’s the spirit, Vallin! Way to go! It’s a love thang!’

  They played ‘Life’s What You Make It’ by Talk Talk, and normally it would have been way too much.

  ‘1986,’ I said.

  ‘We’re talking shoulder pads and Wham!,’ he said.

  ‘We’re talking the last great relationship. The best couple the world has ever seen,’ I said.

  ‘Eighties to the bone, you are, Vallin. It’s so-o beautiful!’

  We stood with our arms around each other and let it happen, and it was only when the poetic redhead went past that I thought better of it.

  It was ages since I’d last been naked in bed with a girl, and her breasts looked so soft.

  ‘Next step, Vallin. Time for the next step,’ Levinsen said.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Let’s get Mimi back to your hotel room.’

  He strode through the shards on the floor, sat down beside her and whispered something in her ear. Fifteen minutes later all three of us were in a taxi.

  I couldn’t get the key card to work, but Levinsen seemed close to sober and found drinks in the minibar and smoochy samba on my laptop. I sat down opposite Mimi in a low chair. But dancing about in broken glass was one thing, sitting there in Room 211 was quite another.

  ‘I ran into Levinsen at a truffle event,’ I said.

  He was already getting the bed ready.

  ‘We had three varieties of roasted foie gras with cauliflower.’

  Levinsen put the duvet up against the wall.

  ‘Vallin always talks food when he’s nervous,’ he said, and patted the mattress three times. She got on to the bed.

  ‘Mimi’s promised to show us how she masturbates.’

  There was a delay before I registered what he had said. Masturbates?

  She smiled and looked down at the bed.

  ‘Welcome to paradise, Vallin!’ he said, and gave her a nod.

  Mimi reached her hands up under her dress and pulled her knickers down. She drew the floral-patterned dress up around her hips. Her cunt was trimmed and partly shaven, only a narrow band of pale red hair remained. A pimple blared out from the white of her inner thigh. ‘Touch yourself!’ said Levinsen. She hesitated for a moment before putting a hand down to her cunt and slowly circling her index and middle fingers around her clitoris. She could have been washing dishes or kneading dough.

  Her eyes were fixed on a point to my left, which I later discovered was a maritime scene of mediocre quality, and her breathing remained pretty much unaltered until after three or four minutes she gasped almost unnoticeably and eventually exhaled in small stages. She looked down at the carpet for a bit before finding the courage to look up. I could see then she’d only just got the braces off her teeth.

  It was ten to twelve when the maid knocked on the door. I was lying on the floor in my shirt and tie, the minibar was open and there were bottles and glasses all over the place. I legged it through the town in a cloud of alcohol fumes and was only fifteen minutes late.

  Thorbjørn Rasmussen was seated on a sheepskin-covered chair with a glass of white wine in front of him. I drank a litre of water in five minutes.

  ‘Did you enjoy the truffles?’ he said.

  Grissini steeped in mackerel oil. Salmon skin, herring mayonnaise.

  The room was spinning so much I had to grab hold of the table.

  ‘And someone else paid for the binge afterwards, I trust?’

  It took me a while to navigate through his questions.

  ‘Do they still teach decent behaviour at journalism school?’

  ‘I didn’t go to journalism school,’ I said.

  ‘You don’t say,’ he said. ‘You don’t say.’

  ‘You sound pissed off,’ I said. That much I’d grasped.

  Thorbjørn Rasmussen took a sip of his wine and cleared his throat.

  ‘I called your editor this morning to have a chat about photo coverage for this article of yours.’

  I said nothing.

  ‘He tells me it’s five months since you worked there. I think I’ve had the wool pulled over my eyes, don’t you?’

  Søren T-shirt was livid by the time I went to see him at Hvidovre Hospital. Like a little kid with a grazed knee who had been holding back the tears, he started whingeing and whining as soon as I came through the door, babbling his free-ranging conspiracy of broken promises, malicious-minded incompetence and terror of which he believed himself to be victim.

  Someone had cut his hair down to the pasty roots.

  ‘Where the fuck did they dig those nurses up?’ he said. ‘They’re not trained, I can tell you that much for sure. I recognise one of them. Pill-popper, she is, and talks to herself.’

  ‘Did they operate?’

  ‘They cut my bloody calf open!’

  He squirmed in his big white smock.

  ‘Are they giving you anything?’

  ‘No, that’s just it, for fuck’s sake. The quack was here, pissed as a fart with a fag-end in his gob, and stuck this in me.’

  He showed me a drip that ought to have been inside him, dispensing painkiller at intervals.

  ‘Only the dosage was way too low. I mean, it says in my notes I’ve been a junkie for twenty-five years. They can’t expect to give me the same as some little schoolgirl with pigtails, can they? Ow, ow, ow!’

  He pulled on the cord and yelled towards the corridor. After about five minutes a nurse turned up, not exactly bubbling over with warm feelings for him.

  ‘What do you want now, Søren?’

  ‘I want you to do your job. Is that too much to ask?’

  ‘I’m doing my job, Søren. There’s a lot of people besides you needing attention.’

  ‘You’ve got to give me a decent whack of something. Now! I’m in agony here.’

  ‘The doctor’s already had a look at you, Søren. We can’t give you anymore than you’re getting.’

  With that she left, and Søren hurled a mouthful of abuse after her until something made him stop. Something outside. I looked out. There was a man in a wheelchair, smoking. A
man with one leg.

  ‘I could do with a bit of fresh air,’ said Søren.

  I helped him into a wheelchair of his own.

  ‘Bring the ale with you,’ he said, indicating the carrier bag from the minimart that I’d brought just to be on the safe side.

  The one-legged man was called Poul and was somewhere in his sixties. The doctors were wondering whether they should take his other leg too. Søren handed him a beer and asked what was wrong with him, and after about half an hour we were well in the picture.

  We raised our cans in a toast and looked up at the sky for a bit, and then it was Søren’s turn to talk about his fierce infection and the risky operation he’d undergone.

  ‘You must be in quite a bit of pain yourself, eh, Poul? What are they giving you for it, anyway?’

  Poul produced a handful of tablets from his pocket. Søren looked at them the way the wolf looked at the three little pigs.

  ‘I’ll give you a couple to take back up with you,’ said Poul.

  He handed Søren three of these most desirable pills.

  ‘Are you sure? That’s very decent of you, Poul.’

  ‘One at a time, mind,’ Poul said. ‘Knock you sideways, they will.’

  Søren took all three on his way back to the ward.

  ‘Can I write a book about you and Signe?’ I asked.

  Søren was back in his bed.

  ‘Yeah, sure. As long as it’s an adventure book and I’m the hero.’

  His eyes were half gone, but he pulled on the cord anyway.

  ‘What now, Søren?’ said the nurse.

  ‘I need something… for the… pain.’

  ‘You’re asleep,’ she said.

  His contorted expression vanished. He looked like an innocent boy.

  There’s no doubt that Helene left me for a better man.

  She was Tue Nissen’s publicist and they’d gone on a book tour together. He stuck his bony dick inside her, then got shot of his small village domicile in Jutland and closed the deal on a house on Ceresvej. A month and a half after their first shag – and three weeks after she’d left me – the happy couple stood in Galleri Nicolai Wallner’s back room skimming through the folders of accessible paintings to find art for the pristine walls of their beautiful new home. The Polish builders had been in, as had the kitchen designer, the lighting consultant from On the Spot, the carpet man, all sorts of men whom Tue, by virtue of his eternally bestselling trilogy about World War II resistance fighters in southern Jutland, hired without so much as a glance at his bank balance.

  In the three months since he’d moved in with Helene, he had established what I spent four years trying to avoid: a decent home with shelving and lamps, inviting rooms in which to dwell, and fixed mealtimes. It was a delightful place, lovely garden too. There’s nothing wrong with buying good Danish art, subscribing to intellectual newspapers or selecting furniture of timeless design, but I was certain neither Tue nor Helene had reckoned on the consequences of doing everything right.

  Occasionally, being on your own is hard, but it’s nothing like as bad as the horrors to which a person may be exposed within the confines of perfectly functioning coupledom.

  When they suggested we have dinner together at their house once a month, on a Tuesday, I could only accept. It was the kind of terrible but well-intentioned idea that summed them up. They met doing the wrong thing; he was high on his own success, cocksure of himself and looking to test his limits, she was unfaithful right under my nose.

  When I arrived, my son Charlie ran on ahead up the stairs to his big bedroom on the first floor without so much as noticing the great Christian Schmidt-Rasmussen canvas above the landing or the elegant marine-blue stair carpet. Tue was standing in the doorway with a bottle of Hubacker from Weingut Keller. I liked Tue, I actually did. He carried his wealth with assurance, strolling about in cashmere, having lunch meetings for the sake of the food alone. He had started going to openings at the hip galleries, had his hair cut once a month at Frisør No, and was a frequent premiere-goer at Dagmar, Grand and the Betty Nansen Teater.

  Until he moved to the city he was writing twelve hours a day, but now he put in the bare minimum, for Danmarks Radio. One reason was they had purchased the TV rights to his books and kept calling script meetings all the time, the other was that owing to his refreshing opinions, pleasant demeanour and irrefutable popularity he had become, in a public debate governed by academics, the voice of the ordinary man, so he was always in taxis, on his way to and from another radio discussion.

  Helene stood chopping shallots in their huge kitchen and I could tell by her shoulders something wasn’t right. She smelled of underarm sweat.

  ‘What do you think of the rendering?’ said Tue.

  ‘Mikkel doesn’t notice that sort of thing,’ said Helene.

  ‘Slaked lime, twelve-year,’ he said.

  Helene put the fish in the oven.

  ‘You must have seen the scaffolding was gone?’ Tue said.

  He dragged me outside. They’d got a trampoline since I was last there. Tue pointed up at his house. Now I could see, they had restored the life out of the brickwork.

  ‘Ask me about lime,’ he said.

  I didn’t.

  ‘French earth colour. Ochre.’

  The house was the colour of cunt. No two ways about it.

  The food tasted slightly of fish and mostly of nothing.

  ‘I want to write a novel about Søren T-shirt,’ I said. ‘It’ll be the last great love story. The Ballad of Signe and Søren T-shirt.’

  ‘That’s a brilliant idea,’ said Helene.

  ‘It’ll be more or less documentary style.’

  ‘Even better,’ she said. ‘I know I sound really annoying now, but docufiction was trending at Frankfurt this year.’

  She was all go, and either she didn’t think I could see through her act to what was really going on, or else – and I thought this was more likely – she was too absorbed in her own situation to pay much attention to what I was noticing. The encouragement she bestowed on me was at the same time a dig at Tue, and as though by some quadratic equation, Tue seized the intiative from the other side of the table. ‘Do you think you can write a happy love story?’ he asked.

  ‘Didn’t it all go wrong between Søren and Signe?’ said Helene.

  ‘Yes, but that’s not the point,’ I said.

  Tue laughed and took a bottle of white out of the fridge.

  ‘What are you laughing at?’ said Helene.

  He tried to hold her hand.

  ‘Helene is a bit upset that I’ve agreed to be in Do You Know the Type?, that harmless TV programme.’

  ‘It’s fine by me that you go airing your opinions about everything all the time, but no way am I having a TV crew in here rummaging through my underwear.’

  Tue downed his glass of white wine.

  ‘As publicity director you ought to be over the moon, prime-time exposure for one of your writers?’

  ‘As publicity director I’d prefer you to be writing books.’

  ‘You always hear writers saying they write because they can’t help it,’ said Tue. ‘Well, I can help it.’

  He leaned back with a smile.

  ‘Who needs more books, anyway?’

  ‘That’s a rather stupid thing to say now that Mikkel’s about to write his first novel.’

  Tue straightened up.

  ‘Okay, let’s talk about Mikkel’s novel. Let’s say you want it out in time for Christmas this year. That’d be a deadline of, what, the first of August?’

  Helene nodded.

  ‘Can you write it in six months?’ Tue asked me.

  ‘I suppose so,’ I said.

  ‘Given your profile and the subject matter, we as publisher will definitely want to take it on, but they won’t give you more than twenty thousand kroner up front. And you don’t even have your newspaper work to fall back on anymore. You can’t live on that,’ Helene said.

  Tue leaned forward. ‘Tell
you what. I’ll lend you fifty,’ he said. ‘Have you heard of San Cataldo?’

  ‘That stuck-up retreat near Amalfi?’

  ‘There was an autumn deadline for applications,’ said Helene.

  ‘I wrote half of The Raspberry Bush there. They’re not usually full in early spring. I’ll give the director woman a call.’

  Cycling back towards town I found myself thinking about when it had all begun to go wrong between Helene and me. Charlie was eighteen months old, old enough for us to feel we could leave him with a babysitter. I spent two workdays finding the right restaurant, eventually settling for Le Sommelier: good food, not too formal and with decent drinking establishments nearby for afterwards. Helene had too much make-up on, I was in a pinstriped suit. We were tense in the taxi and it wasn’t because we’d rekindled those first feelings of being in love, it was because we were both so aware of the importance of what was coming up. It was more than just dinner in town. We were trying to prove to ourselves that we were still a happy couple.

  They served us Dom Perignon by the glass and we talked about one of the staff at Charlie’s crèche and agreed it was a subject that belonged to some other occasion.

  The bread came, and after we had eaten it all and our different starters the edge had come off our appetites. The evening was entering its crucial phase.

  I caught sight of a guy who looked like someone I used to know from college called Thomas and was reminded of a daft anecdote from the Saltlageret music venue. She laughed in the right places, and I was very particular about the details, building up towards the punchline, but just as I was getting there I happened to look at her, and saw that no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t hide the fact that she’d heard it before. I pretended I hadn’t noticed and rattled the story off to its conclusion. She got drunk on the thick-bodied Rhône and started going on about her dream of one day settling in the south of France and running a little hotel, and I repaid her confidence by asking the exact same encouraging questions as the last time and the time before that.

  We had a beer at the Borgerkroen afterwards, but she couldn’t drink anymore after that.

  I gave the babysitter a hundred kroner more than we’d agreed, and when Helene and I flopped apart on the bed after twenty-three minutes of sex we both said we ought to make a priority of nights like that.